It’s a strange thing going through a selection process for your child. It’s certainly not something I’d thought much about until we had to sit down and list out our preferences. Yes, it feels a bit persnickety to make considerations such as nationality, age, family background, and medical needs. And you start to wonder if maybe you’re being given more authority than you ought to have. But the thing is, you do have to narrow down the scope of possibilities. And taking an eenie-meenie-miney-mo approach is hardly appropriate.
So where did we start? How did we actually determine which type of adoption to pursue?
One of the many things we’ve learned throughout this process is that adoption is not one-size-fits-all. Some couples know right away what type of adoption they are drawn to, while others simply move forward one step at a time and find doors are opened and closed along the way.
Embryo adoption was placed on our hearts years ago. I recently addressed how we first heard about this option in an FAQ, and it’s also worth noting that back then, being introduced to the reality that thousands of embryos are waiting in cryopreservation played a significant role in us moving toward adoption as a means to grow our family.
That being said, there were a ton of considerations we hadn’t thought of. We didn’t know what we didn’t know. And not knowing for certain that embryo adoption would turn out to be right for us meant holding it loosely, exploring our options, and walking through the process, one step at a time.
Prayer.
It may seem like a canned statement, but the role of prayer in making such impactful decisions goes so much deeper than an obvious Sunday School answer. For me, this process became an important season of learning how to pray through the muck and the mess. To give myself permission to lament on occasion. And to lay our desires at the feet of the Lord on a daily basis – sometimes moment by moment – and trust that no matter how it turns out, He holds the outcome.
I think my head would actually explode if I believed our fallibility carried ultimate responsibility for determining all of the specifics for our family. There has been such an underlying peace in knowing that ultimately God’s providence trumps our ability to make a decision. Prayer is a means of constantly reconnecting with that truth and I simply cannot overstate the importance prayer has played throughout the process of identifying ours.
Developing a system for making unified decisions.
Unity has been of utmost importance! Working in marriage enrichment and having done a fair amount of research on marital struggles, we are well aware of how easy it can be to unknowingly undermine oneness. To place anything on this earth as a priority above our marriage is walking on dangerous ground! Of course this understanding doesn’t make us immune by any means, it simply highlights the importance of making our marriage a priority. For that reason, having a system in place for making unified decisions has been as critical or more than the actual decisions being made.
Wisdom and Discernment.
At first, every potential situation we opted out of felt like a direct challenge to my willingness to be sacrificially courageous. Although we recognized early on that what we wanted or felt equipped to handle weren’t going to be the ultimate determining factors (we are firm believers that God doesn’t call the equipped; He equips the called), we also were blessed with the comforting truth that oftentimes, adoptive parents have a particular burden placed in their affections – which has certainly been the case for us.
It’s been reassuring to know that acknowledging our unique experiences, our current situation, and even our giftings isn’t selfish! It is using wisdom and discernment – a combination that offers us the freedom to embrace our specific calling.
Confirmation.
Throughout the home study, we were required to complete 10 hours of education – the majority of which we did specifically with embryo adoption in mind. We educated ourselves on traditional domestic and international adoption as well. But we watched webinar after webinar discussing the ins and outs of this less-commonly-known option for bringing a child from another genetic family into our own, and each nugget of new information only solidified our decision. The stirring in my soul has grown so intense, I can hardly sit still. I watch my husband’s face light up every time we discuss the possibilities!
Confirmation has also been felt through the love and support of our friends and family. It comes in the form of random encouraging texts on days that I’m second guessing motives, and even finances that” just so happened” to show up on our door step upon asking the Lord to tangibly prove His faithfulness if this is what He would have us do (a prayer that starkly contrasts our typically self-reliant nature).
Trust.
This past year has tested us, stretched us, and grown us in ways we never would have imagined. Even now, as I write this not knowing the outcome, I’m so thankful that we are where we are today because of what we’ve walked through over the past 12 months. Yet the thing I question maybe more than anything is whether we’ve done the right thing by letting you in to a journey that is still unfolding. I often find myself questioning what to share, how and when to share it, and whether my heart is strong enough to handle any potential disappointment, ridicule, or judgement that could altogether be avoided by simply keeping this process to ourselves.
Why am I sharing this now? What if embryo adoption doesn’t turn out the way we plan? Wouldn’t it just be easier to avoid these hard conversations altogether?
But then we meet a couple who is starting their own adoption journey and have never before considered or even heard of embryo adoption. Or we receive an email from a woman who rests easier knowing that a life-honoring option exists for the embryos she may not be able to carry. And I’m reminded of the beautiful and intricate ways that God weaves together our stories. And I’m taken back to that commitment we made about 3 1/2 years ago, to share a vulnerable look at our journey as a husband and wife simply because we felt called to share THE story He’s written for us.
And I have to trust that He will use every chapter of this story for good… no matter the outcome.