Yesterday, we opened up about the lessons we are receiving in patience and trust. Letting others in to this deeply personal aspect of our lives is new and scary. At this time, it doesn’t feel like a release to talk about it. Honestly, it’s more like a heavy weight. I’m sure in time we will learn how to not be in this alone, but for so long that’s what we were comfortable with, so it’s a little strange to have that “protection” removed.
Yet even as I type these words, I realize that God is going to show us so much more through this process than we thought. Like maybe we need to learn how to let others in a little more. Maybe the best way for our Father to wrap us up in His arms, is by placing individuals in our lives who are willing to wrap is up in theirs. Maybe it’s good to receive that. And just maybe that means what I thought we were sharing for the sake of others, is for the sake of Kelly and I as well.
That probably seems obvious, but it wasn’t to us. All I know is that if God had tried to convince me I needed to share so that we’d feel better, I never would have believed I was hearing Him correctly. Basically, I would never have taken this step if I felt it was for self-serving reasons
So now that we’re beginning to see God’s purposes in asking us to share our story a little more clearly, I realize that you may be wondering where we’re at nine years into all of this. I would like to take an opportunity to explain a little more on that.
While we have endured 9 years of wondering, and an almost equal length of time watching what seems like “everyone else” become parents, we’ve been all but standing still throughout that time. It’s been quite a journey. We have been through trying, hoping, crying, seeking, yearning, questioning, grieving, and even avoiding.
At this time, we are simply waiting.
We spent a long time fighting to have things our way. And when we couldn’t get our way, we simply asked for a compromise. Negotiating with God isn’t really an option though. So He’s been growing us up a lot over the past several years, and it turns out it feels good to surrender our earthly desires.
So waiting it is.
Waiting for His direction – whatever that is. Waiting for His perfect timing.
To be clear, it isn’t that we are above all of the frustration and difficulty. We’ve just been through that, and are currently in a place that it seems we are more teachable than we’ve been in the past. That being said, I am willing to admit that if in five years I’m still waiting, I just may have an entirely new set of choice words with the Giver of Life. But I’m hopeful that won’t be the case.
In the meantime, we are trying to enjoy the fact that we’ve been given an extended honeymoon phase of sorts. We’ve learned so much about ourselves and our marriage throughout this process, and I wouldn’t trade what we’ve gone through for anything. I’m so thankful that my husband is with me in all of this. Not in the “he’s so perfect I don’t have to rely on God” sort of way. But in the “he’s MY husband in the good times and the bad, and we strive to make the most of every moment” sort of way.
It’s not all bad. It’s difficult. But we are thankful for the joy that can be found in the waiting.