Initially, I had thought this update should be held off for a few more weeks. I guess to a degree I figured by then we’d have the home study finalized and I would have more clarity – specific answers – for all of the questions I knew were looming. But I realize that more than anything, that’s probably what you really want to know – where we are in the process, and what it looks like from here – so here I am, setting aside a very strong desire for structure and perfect presentation, to bring you a snippet of an answer…
First things first, the short version: We are still hammering away at a few last details for the home study, and prayerfully considering our next steps.
In other words, we are roughly three months – and one very critical mountain of paperwork – closer to an undisclosed date in the future. For the record, I’m not saying that to be tight-lipped. It’s not even my clumsy attempt at humor. That’s just how it works.
All that hurry up, and here we are, waiting again.
Three years ago, we shared a glimpse at the rest of our story with you. Around that same time, we left off with the anticlimactic epilogue about temporarily being in the waiting. So it feels a little unremarkable to come back after so much time with an update about waiting again. You may even be wondering if the past several years have been productive at all. Or if we have just been sitting idle this entire time.
Back in November, we filed our application with the adoption agency. It was an exciting day in the Langan house! And also a little terrifying. Leading up to that point, we had developed real-life relationships with several couples who had been, or were currently going through the adoption process. We had even done a fair amount of research/reading. So we were familiar with stories on each end of the spectrum — the perfect arrivals and blessed outcomes, as well as the pain-like-you-can’t-imagine and the brokenness that ensues.
That’s not a decision you make lightly. Even knowing we were going to take that step eventually, it took a lot of mental and emotional preparation to get there. Prior to turning in that initial paperwork, it actually had a home on my desk for six. long. months. We had printed it out, looked through it, filled in a few of the easy questions (i.e. name and DOB), and then gotten stuck in the overwhelm of it all. I felt immense guilt during that time. Every day that passed brought regret that I wasn’t more cut out for this. It made me feel like a horrible mom, but worse… I would’ve given anything to have the right to claim that title.
Upon sharing my frustrations with close friends throughout that time, I was reassured that it would happen more easily when the time was right. I was even told that sometimes those hangups occur for good reason. Admittedly, hearing that encouragement hardly alleviated the humiliation and sense of failure I was carrying around. But it did give me a truth to cling to… everything will happen according to God’s plan and purpose.
That truth is an important one to keep at the forefront of our thoughts, especially because it isn’t a natural feeling. It is a decision to trust. A commitment to persevere.
In case you skimmed over that last part, I’m going to go ahead and repeat it, and ask that you slow down and chew on those words for a moment – maybe even consider what they mean for you right now in your current season of life…
Everything will happen according to God’s plan and purpose. That isn’t a natural feeling. It’s a decision to trust. A commitment to persevere.
Perseverance doesn’t always come in the shape of check marks. In fact, usually it looks a lot more like getting up and trying again. So one evening late last year, we sat down together – for the umpteenth time – determined to actually get through that paperwork. And you know what? Suddenly what was overwhelming and seemingly impossible just wasn’t so bad. We powered through it in one sitting. And the next day, we walked in to the adoption agency and officially began the process.
When I reflect on the fact that a year ago, I couldn’t even bring myself to say “when we have kids”, and that when we first printed out that paperwork we had to be very deliberate about even just talking about the possibilities like they could in fact be real, I recognize that even more than the paperwork, educational hours, physical exams, and background checks, for us this process has been about a tremendous amount of heart work and healing.
As it turns out, you can’t jut suppress pain for a decade and then pick up where you left off as if it never happened. So, when asked where we are in the process, and what it looks like from here, I guess the real answer – what we ultimately desire for you to know about where we are today – is that we are hopeful.
